Sunday, January 27, 2008

the Oracle tells it like it is

From the best of The Internet Oracle:


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oracle, most knowledgeable in the arcane and inane,

What are the titles of the legendary unpublished rejected Berenstain
Bears books?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Ah, yes. Aside from the more than 300 titles published under the name of Stan and Jan Berenstain, there were a number of concepts that never made the cut.

After Stan Berenstain's death in 1991, executives at HarperFestival decided to change the series' direction, and several attempts were made to connect it with pressing modern-day issues:

The Berenstain Bears Download Music Illegally
The Berenstain Bears and the Stained Dress
The Berenstain Bears Farm Labor Out to China
The Berenstain Bears are Indicted for Perjury
The Berenstain Bears Import Diseased Poultry
The Berenstain Bears Devour a Delusional Documentarian

During his lifetime, Stan Berenstain was adamant about avoiding
"heavier" issues. A sampling of the rejected proposals:

The Berenstain Bears and the Broken Condom
The Berenstain Bears Have Cancer
The Berenstain Bears and the Obesity
The Berenstain Bears and the Chronic Type II Diabetes

And who could forget 'The Berenstain Bears Can Quit Anytime They Want' in 1980, which was renamed to 'The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble With Cocaine' before the concept was rejected altogether.

Most notable were there drafts produced by Stan in his later (and some say senile) years, which never made it past the marketing committees deep inside the bowels of the Berenstain media empire:

The Berenstain Bears and the Truth About Santa Claus
The Berenstain Bears Forget Grandma
The Berenstain Bears and the Exorcism
The Berenstain Bears Speak When They're Spoken To
The Berenstain Bears Vote for the Handsomest Candidate
The Berenstain Bears Accept Mediocrity
The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble With Subsisting on Microwave Dinners From Safeway

Whether these titles are indicative of Berenstain's deteriorating condition or merely an exhaustion of sensible topics is anyone's guess.

You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of 'The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Fiber'.

Labels:

1Bligs:

Blogger MotherReader bligged...

I think The Bernenstain Bears Accept Mediocrity really sums it up for me. Though for whatever reason, The Berenstain Bears Forget Grandma cracks me up the most. Funny stuff.

2/07/2008 4:44 PM  

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